I don’t want to invite my father to my wedding but feel my arm is being twisted into doing so

He was horrible to my sister and me and bullied my mum, who is no longer with him.

My sister and I have always had a rather fraught relationship with my father. He failed to form bonds and took no interest in us, seeing us as a nuisance. I remember wondering why it was like this and why he didn’t love us. My mum always told us differently, until it became so clear that he was also horrible to her (coercive control through bullying, vicious comments on her look and her attitude), that she could no longer pretend he was just a bit stressed. He exhibited aggressive behaviour — verbally and through his actions. He stole from me, went through my things, violated my privacy, and repeatedly told my sister she was fat. I did not trust him and took no pleasure in being around him. When I was 18, my parents’ marriage ended. When my mum finally got enough money together, we left. My sister has suffered immensely with a lack of self-confidence, depression and anxiety, primarily, I believe, because of the cumulative effect of his behaviour. I am more stable, but my feelings towards him are of worry and distrust. I don’t feel anything for him. I see him roughly every six months when he is in the area and he has little to say, apart from things about himself. My sister does not speak to him and he constantly bombards her with threatening emails, texts and surprise visits. He says he is hurt by my sister’s lack of communication, and refuses to believe that he could possibly be wrong. He calls her mad, he thinks she is unreasonable, and has said that it would be better if she were dead, as he would be able to deal with this better. I am getting married next year, and so debate has come around as to whether he will be invited. If I had the final say, I would not invite him. I don’t like him, but I accept, begrudgingly, that he is my father. I am also afraid that if I don’t invite him, he is likely to turn up unannounced and the day will be spoiled for me and my partner, who has supported me the whole way through this. My sister and mum are accepting of whatever decision I make, and will support me. I am on the verge of inviting him, with a clear proviso that he is not allowed to accost my sister or my mum and air any grievances with them. I would rather he wasn’t there, but I feel somewhat coerced by those around me (not their fault) because of the potential repercussions if he isn’t there. I accept it could change things for the positive. If he sees my sister, he might leave her alone — maybe … Although this is all coming to the fore because of the wedding, it is a situation that has dragged on for the past decade.

Come on, you know you shouldn’t invite him. The way he’s treated you, the way he’s treated your mum and sister, if he wasn’t an immediate family member this wouldn’t be an issue.
But he is. So what? They say blood is thicker than water, but custard is thicker than either of them. Again, so what?

At this point you need to tell him ‘No.’ and put him behind you.

Your wedding is publicly choosing who you want to be the man in your life and pops has fucked that right up. You don’t trust him, he stresses your mum and makes your sister anxious and you’re going to simply hope that he behaves? Does that sound like him? You know him better than I do so you already know the answer to that.

And I know it’s a hackneyed old trope but it’s your wedding day. Your day. You need to be able to enjoy it without worrying if he’ll make a show of himself and your family.

Now, I know that in the future he’ll come back on you with his sob story “you never even invited me to your wedding..” Yeah? And who’s fault is that?

He sounds like a naughty child, and like a child he needs to learn that poor behaviour has consequences. But it might be worth asking some of your affianced’s rugby club mates to mind the doors in case he decides to crash the party.

Originally published at http://askauntygetomov.wordpress.com on June 30, 2017.